Why growth means a commitment to eternal change – a personal check in with my dreams.
The process of deconditioning is change. Literally over and over again. We can never be 100% sure. But we owe it to ourselves to follow the impulse and act upon it. Make space for these impulses, cultivate your abilitiy to listen closely and then go do it. Show yourself that you're capable of doing it.

The original idea of this newsletter two years ago was a daily protocol to practice you. Day by day a new idea would come in and I would start to feel overwhelmed, not knowing what to do first. Even though I put with confidence “an evolving platform” into do you's first bio, it felt more like “Hey, I'm flaky and I don't know what the hell I'm actually doing here” rather than the “I'm learning to live in the constant not-knowing” I wanted to go for. That I knew I needed to go for. To not know is an every day challenge. To feel grateful in the here and now and still want more an obstacle.

Going after our dreams feels complicated – a mix of excitement, inner-knowing, curiosity, fear and self-doubt. Ever looked back at goals your past self wrote down in a moment of motivation and despair?

Oh boy, I wrote down the wildest things. When all I ever wanted or still want is to feel good, to do the things that make me happy, to enjoy and trust life. And to follow my gut. Over the time my daily practice has less and less become a list of things that make me better (or at least I think would bring me into alignment) and more and more an awarenss to call myself out on bullshit.

I thought I knew what I wanted. 50 percent of it is probably still true. The other 50 percent change all the time. So I'm focussing on the container of my life: how to meet my basic needs with the must-haves. They're not sooo basic if I'm honest. They're often still infused by old limiting beliefs that I inherited from my family. The ones I have said goodbye to many many times before but which hands I still keep holding onto.

This week I tried to get up earlier and sit at my laptop at 8:45am to be able to work one hour a day on my ideas. After another month of putting everything off, I felt like I was cheating on myself. It's literally been on and off 8 months of putting me and my dreams off.

It's not like I chose to, I've been taking care again of my grandparents these past weeks. And it was too much. I knew it. But I felt I had to do it, that I owe them. Truth is I owe them to be happy. That's all they want.

At one point my sister said to me: “It's time that you get back to your life, because you got one, a beautiful one. You put so much effort into having it and you should be able to finally enjoy it.”. She was right. Yet it took almost two more weeks before I could go back as we all got Covid. What a great timing for another thing that held me back.

When I arrived in Berlin I thought I needed to get back on track asap. (Learning: Thinking what you need is never good…) I forced my practice onto myself in order to “be good” again. I didn't enjoy it. It's funny how me forcing myself good things on me touched upon a lot of old feelings. Forcing. I knew that one. Even though my parents never really forced me to do anything, yet they did it subconsciously. My mum wanted me to act and be in harmony at all given times with everyone in our family and my father basically to do things his way. And it is what sticked with me. How I parented myself for so many years.

I blocked myself from feeling good, from earning a good life. I told myself it's not in it for me and at the same time I told myself it's possible. But how is a flower suppose to bloom when there's no water or a nourishing soil? It's time to work on my green thumb. After three failed days of sitting at my desk at 8:45am, today with the start of the new astrological year and the new moon in Aries it worked. Probably just coincidence, Happy Aries Season anyways!

Things I will commit to this month:

Joy through…

Growth through…

Clarity through…